back to basics

2009-12-02T08:48:00.000-08:00

So... today I was sitting in my senior seminar class discussing those things that have no relevance to writing a paper to get you into graduate school, which I have no intention of applying for, and it was suggested to me that I blog my random thoughts and potentially get published. Which is hilarious. And then I thought hey, I have a blog, I should use that. So here I am in class on my blog thinking about things to blog. I think that I have a fear of blank pages and blank screens. They freak me out, hard. So I have decided to bit the bullet and go for it.

We were just having a rather jolly discussion about the speech President Obama made last night. The one where he said "hey guys, i know i promised not be be a war monger, but shit, we gotsta send more troops." And America shrugged its shoulders or should I say her shoulders. Why are nation states referred to as women? When they were founded women didn't even have the right to vote or wear pants? Don't you want your country to be able to wear pants? Pants are so useful, not to mention denim. Thank you hemp and sailboats for the invention of my favorite article of clothing, in winter at least, the jean. Maybe if they allowed hemp to be grown for denim our pants wouldn't wear quite was quickly. That would be nice. It is really hard to make an ass patch look cute, not matter how cute your ass may be.

So I have been thinking lately about how I study religion, if anyone is reading thing this, which is unlikely and you didn't already know that, I study religion. Which began as this weird childhood thing that just sort of happened to me because my mom made me go to a Catholic school when I was seven (for my second round at the first grade, talk about embarrassing, i was pissed and i didn't want to read, i think mostly because i hated the fact that once you did learn how to read every time you passed by a billboard you actually HAD to read it, you can't just look at something and not read it, unless maybe you cross your eyes and in that case you are guaranteed to get a seriously terrible headache) Anyway, here I am in the Catholic school, as an Episcopalian, wearing terribly itchy knee highs being told about how Henry the VIII was not really revolutionary but actually just a slut (without actually using the word slut, ex-nuns are really good at that kind of thing) and let me tell you, I was confused. And that were it all began, my fascination about god, religion and the apocalypse.

I remember in high school I used to say that I wished that I could take a class all about the end of the world, because that is basically what I am currently about to get a degree in (not necessarily my initial intention but hell things happen). I have realized that while my major may not get me anywhere financially I will always be a favored party guest due to my unending weird trivia about things like mass suicide, alien invasions and of course the Messiah. Gotta love it.

A summer of food justice...

2009-07-03T12:43:00.000-07:00

This summer I lucked out, getting a job with Local Matter's/the Greener Grocer's new project the Veggie Van. The main premise of the project is food justice. There are neighborhoods all over the city that lack access to grocery stores, fresh fruits and veggies and general respect. In many neighborhoods the only available food resource is UDF, a corner store or fast food. (Access to food is only one issue in these neighborhoods-- the injustices are many and multiplying) And that is where the veggie van comes in...
We have been invited by communities around the city to sell fruits and veggies at reasonable prices. We have two hour stops five to six days a week at over twenty locations around the city. Examples include: the YMCA, elderly care centers, community centers, elementary schools and religious organizations.

Some stops are more successful then others-- but what is beautiful is that it is a project that is advertised and requested from the community. We have been invited by these communities and they are organizing within in order to ensure the success of the project. Doin' it grassroots style.

Did I mention that we also carry many local and organic products?

Every chance we get we try to support local Ohio farmers! We'll bring you the GOOD stuff!

http://www.local-matters.org/

(borrowed from an inspirational blogger, thank you)

2009-06-04T19:35:00.000-07:00

before they were parents they were kids

2009-05-16T13:21:00.000-07:00

Snap shots of my dad from the not so distant past. We all remain children on the inside.

Love in the Turrents of Life

2009-05-13T15:53:00.000-07:00

Death:

1 a: a permanent cessation of all vital functions : the end of life — compare brain death b: an instance of dying deaths>2 a: the cause or occasion of loss of life death of him> b: a cause of ruin death to my character — Wilkie Collins>3capitalized : the destroyer of life represented usually as a skeleton with a scythe4: the state of being dead5 a: the passing or destruction of something inanimate death of vaudeville> b:

Loss:

1: destruction, ruin2 a: the act of losing possession : deprivation<loss of sight> b: the harm or privation resulting from loss or separation c: an instance of losing3: a person or thing or an amount that is lost: as aplural : killed, wounded, or captured soldiers b: the power diminution of a circuit or circuit element corresponding to conversion of electrical energy into heat by resistance 4 a: failure to gain, win, obtain, or utilize b: an amount by which the cost of something exceeds its selling price5: decrease in amount, magnitude, or degree.

-----

Before this past fall I had never lost anyone that was close to me. No one that I love had ever had an extremely intense mourning period. I moved through the world untouched by this inevitable truth. But as Jupin said this past weekend, "None of us gets out of here alive."

Since this past September... I have lost a
Grandmother, near and dear to my heart.
baby TJ passed, not even two years old.
a family friend, suicide, leaving his family to manage alone.
Uncle Jack, old and weathered, but a swift and intense death.
Marian, an acquaintance, loved by people I love.

And then there are those people that you loose not to death but to deceit, dishonesty, heart break, disinterest, self interest or distance. No wonder we protect our hearts with iron shields. It is hard to learn how to love without control, to allow what is to be. But not loving is out of the question, it is a question of how to direct your energy and love productively. Not giving yourself, but your love. Something that must be practiced everyday. Love without desperation.

2009-03-25T04:52:00.001-07:00

And I to my motorcycle
Parked like the soul of the junkyard
Restored, a bicycle fleshed
With power, and tore off
Up Highway 106, continually
Drunk on the wind in my mouth,
Wringing the handlebar for speed,
Wild to be wreckage forever.
~James Dickey, "Cherrylog Road"

Yesterday was a beautiful day. Old people in Florida drink an amazing amount of coffee. I'm quite impressed that they do not walk about all day shaking from the caffeine. But yesterday, after coffee number one, I got on a Harley Davidson for the first time. It was exhilarating. My ass hurt and ached, my legs cramped, my chin flapped in the wind, a bird pooped on my head (my helment never fear) and we only saw one animal smashed on the road. I was wearing an oversized bike jacket and a helmet with little sparkles which almost took head off in the wind. And I sat on the back clucking a 61 year old Baptist missionary with a silly ass grin on my face. It was nothing but perfection.

We went to visit a place called Echo Farms (http://www.echonet.org/). It is a farm that was founded in the early eighties to help develop food programs to help the people of Haiti. Now it functions as a research and information center for overseas missionaries. They simulate four different climates and develop simple, sustainable agriculture practices that can be shared and taught. Did you know that 95% of the planet lives on 30 different kinds of vegetables, that is not a whole lotta veggies my friend. They also operate a huge seed bank, tropical tree nursery and internship program. But also emphasize a very Christian attitude, all of there "interns have a very firm relationship with his Lord Jesus Christ." Interesting stuff.

There is a plant called Artemisia that cures malaria. And tree called Moringa whose dried seeds clarify water. The magical power of the plant kingdom.

The part that I most enjoyed was the urban gardening section, they had a really beautiful vegetable garden in old recycled tires. Wonderful innovation.

But where does Jesus fit?

how my education destroyed my aura part 1....

2009-03-19T06:49:00.000-07:00

Winter is a difficult time to have anything interesting to say. Or perhaps it is just a difficult time to think that what you say should be public on the internet. To the wind with those worries I say, for spring hath sprung and I am awoken from the sheath of my own silly winter time misery.

I have a lovely new bicycle that is pink. We named her Greta after the grandmother of my lovely friend Lauren. She is dating a man named Sam who looks like Mozart. He survived the Holocaust by impersonating a dentist.

Someone recently asked me what I accomplished this winter, or what I was most proud of from the past year. And after some thought, not too much don't worry, I came to the conclusion that striking out on my own is the thing that I have to say for myself this past year. In so many different ways. Learning to live alone, pay the bills, make ends meet, worth three jobs at a time, serve with a hangover. But also striking out alone into myself. It has been a long year, lord knows I have slipped up along the way. Different beautiful beings coming in and out of my life. But today, just me, is more then enough. It is no longer so lonely, happiness in the solitude.

And now finals are over. (Hence the aura turning magenta and freaking the fuck out.)
I'm headed South for some grandparent lovin.
There will be sweets, sunshine and farmers markets.
I can't wait.

2009-02-11T20:37:00.000-08:00

I haven't had a lot to say lately about much of anything at all. My heart is aching for some sort of purpose. And so I sweep the floor and make the bed. The winter has us tucked in deeply, and I have nowhere to go. And so I forge on with the routine. And sit. Waiting for divine inspiration.

Anytime soon would be nice.

Thank you.

thank you for sharing

2009-02-11T20:36:00.000-08:00

when you find that you may be losing your mind...

2009-01-23T09:59:00.000-08:00

make a list.

2009-01-23T09:44:00.000-08:00

Reflection on Lovers

2009-01-16T13:48:00.000-08:00

Man: A List of Requirements

I. An Education: self-sought or bought

II. No "artists". "Expression" is not an excuse for mediocrity.

III. Healthy relationships with family; mothers and sisters in particular.

IV. No *schvantz* insecurities.

V. Appropriate attention to hygiene and personal appearance.

VI. Someone who prefers to wait for things that are worth it. *ahem* ma *ahem*

VII. Someone who pays enough attention to themselves as to me.

Woman: A List of Boundaries

I. Sex at the appropriate times.

II. "I love you" at the appropriate time

III. NO marriage talk until it's time for marriage.

IV. Take time alone.

V. Maintain intimacy with myself; only then is intimacy acheivable with others.

VI. MODERATION

"I need someone whose mind falls like a chopper on a block. To whom the pitch of absurdity is sublime, and a shoestring adorable. To whom I can expose the urgency of my own passion."

-Virginia Woolf

thank you for a new year

2009-01-02T08:40:00.000-08:00

hey there beautiful beast
so gentle and tactile
i want to experience your textures
rub close to my heart
tenacles tickling
stuck like taffy
we are
rolling through outer space
two molecules
mercury
we are
swirling balls of space dust
gently passing into the breeze
born unto earth
we are
into strange bodies
space bodies
space between our bodies
only an illusion.
allude
this.

something from athens, a poem from the past

2008-12-08T06:18:00.000-08:00

There is a shoe out there

Past the windowpane

Waiting to be cut free

From it's bondage

It hangs over the infinite abyss

Of the June heated sidewalk

Calling to the smokers

Down below

Whose ears are filled with misery

The misery of cancer someday

In a culture that values

Death

Over life

Someday the shoe will live

On the foot of the next pedestrian

Walking by

They will see the world

From the sky

Maybe a hot air balloon ride

And the shoe will be happy.

Black & White

2008-12-07T15:38:00.000-08:00

the mother

2008-12-04T08:37:00.000-08:00

i dreamt of you last night
we ate
we communed
i could feel the warmth of your body next to mine
as we poured wine
your spirit shone
like an angel
you are to me
a mother
a light on my path,
always bringing me back to home.
they took you
and injected you
infected you
poisoned you
and then they burned your body
it was in that polka dot dress you always loved
don't worry,
you looked good,
and then they poured you into a box
you will be buried on mothers day
or perhaps scattered in the wind
and your ashes will be inhaled
by weeping ghosts from your past
and we shall carry you forever
in the lining of our lungs

you always find me in the most peculiar places

2008-12-03T14:33:00.000-08:00

clarity found me lost in the abyss

of my mind,

wandering along

immersed in self,

the universe stepped in

and grabbed my hand.

and

i smiled.

i smiled

because it was always there.

the clarity.

all i had to do was

open

the heart

and trust,

that everything will work out exactly the way

it should.

(photo from La Boca Ranch, summer 2007)

2008-12-01T12:22:00.000-08:00

everytime you smile there is a small revolution within your heart.
fighting out the darkness. creating beauty. remembering beauty.
souls mingle in that gaze. cradled life between palms.

Questions of the Heart

2008-11-21T20:58:00.000-08:00

How much about what we know of love is real, and how much of it is from the movies?

I remember when I was younger, sitting in my living room watching "Waking Life"-- and one of the philosophers speaks about language. The word L-O-V-E is abstract. It does not have a concrete definition in Websters. But when the word is uttered, in each mind across the globe small pictures flash across the consciousness. Being held as a baby, grandmothers homemade apple sauce, feelings of safety in your fathers arms, the first tingle you felt between your legs, passion, sex. Or maybe Leo and Kate having steamy sex in the cargo tank of Titanic, "you've got mail," Cinderella finally makes it to the ball. What part of love is real. Where does the love begin and the illusion end?

What are we looking for in this thing called love?

2008-11-19T18:17:00.000-08:00

I have had a couple of blogs in my life, that were deleted hastily once those periods of my life had been closed. Like an old book shoved on top of the bookshelf, long forgotten. I am now working to tie my life together in a bow, bring the books on my shelf together into an anthology of me. So this blog will not be deleted. And it will trace my journey from here as a woman, artist, lover, farmer, daughter, seeker, student, teacher and friend.

Thank you to those of you whose blogs have kept me coming back. For those of you whose paths cross mine, some more then others, but never cease to fill my heart with inspiration and love.

And so our story begins...

"for you may wander all over the earth but you have to come back to yourself"

-krishnamurti